


Better

by astromirage



Series: make it or break it Tsukkiyama AU [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Better by Ben Platt, Break Up, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Songfic, Tsukishima Kei has Emotional Attachment Issues, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astromirage/pseuds/astromirage
Summary: did you keep my sweater, sweater? did you read my letter, letter? do you know me better, better than I know myself?
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: make it or break it Tsukkiyama AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758130
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Better

**Author's Note:**

> ANOTHER BEN PLATT SONG FIC!!!! This one just hits different.

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦. 

Kei looks out his window, down at the city he once associated with the love of his life. Now he associates it with heartbreak, tears and voice mails. 

_Tadashi looks at Kei, tears flooding his eyes._

_"Please don't hate me for this Kei. I can't leave here, knowing you'll be all alone. Fall in love again. Please. I worry too much about you to leave you here. It's me, this is so selfish." He smiles sadly, grasping Kei's hands. "I'm doing this so I don't go insane with worry because I won't be here." he moves one of Kei's hands onto his cheek, caressing it softly. "I won't hate you if you find someone you love. You deserve the best and that just isn't something I can give you right now."_

_'Do I not get a say on this? Why is he deciding what I get?' Kei thinks frantically, eyes wide, mouth dry._

_"Goodbye Kei." Tadashi says, kissing his hand, dropping it and turning to the airport._

Kei looks at the contact still rightfully labelled as "Dashi 🍓💕" he clicks on the call icon, knowing he wouldn't pick up. 

"Hi 'Dashi. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. You're probably not going to hear this, I know this because in the 3 years I've been doing this, you've never even called me back. That's okay, you probably love someone else, someone cool and not miles and miles away." He sniffs "You don't even have to respond, I don't expect you to, you're the one who broke up, I don't know why I still call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tadashi. Please come back." He pauses and sighs a shaky breath "I'm sorry, don't do that. I'm being selfish. Goodbye Tadashi. I love you." he finishes, not an ounce of venom anywhere in his voice. 

𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘸𝘯. '𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐'𝘮 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵. 

He hangs up, sets his phone down next to the letters he sends Tadashi's P.O. box every so often. He turns away from the table beside his door and to the walls of his apartment. They're still littered with photos of the two of them, Christmas and dates and nationals. He remembers how Tadashi told him to love someone else. But how could he? He's not very good at acting, it's starkly evident in the past three years that he isn't happy, that he won't ever fall back in love. He tried! That's what Tadashi wanted, so he tried! Then he gave up. Because without the freckled man, happiness wasn't something Kei thought about. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. 

Tadashi probably is sitting in his apartment with someone miles out of Kei's league, someone who doesn't call him non stop. He knows this, but he still finds himself sleeping on his side of the bed, making sure not to mess Tadashi's side up, sometimes he accidentally makes two cups of coffee if he's really off that day. He always seems to be staring at his door, waiting for him to walk in, for him to rocket into his arms and kiss him. 

He always ends up blushing and closing his eyes, trying not to visualize the man pressed against him, kissing him softly. 

He always wakes up and promises he won't call him, he won't write out another letter. But he never keeps that promise. It's not like he tries anyways. 

He walks into his room, deciding to change for the day. He opens up his closet, and looks down. 

𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧?

Kei has one singular hanger left empty, where a simple blue sweater used to sit in all its glory. Tadashi took it one day, begging to wear it because it looked cute with his high waisted jeans. Kei let him, he couldn't say no to him. Tadashi never gave it back. He didn't want Tadashi to give it back but he can't help but wonder if he gave it away.

It would make sense. If he wanted Kei to move on, it'd make sense if he threw out the sweater and shredded the letters and deleted his number. As he sits on his bed, giving up on changing, he wonders if Tadashi called him Tsukki in his head, if he still knows every way to annoy him or exactly how to calm him down. He always does this, wondering about things he shouldn't, it usually ends with him making another shaky phone call. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰'𝘴 𝘢𝘥𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯. 

Kei looks over at his nightstand, a frame with a photo of Tadashi smiling and holding a stray dog. Right beside the frame is a velvet box. In which resides a ring. He opens the box and sighs as he looks over the ring. He opens his bedside drawer, throws the box in and lays down. He turns to face Tadashi's side of the bed. He just wants him back, it's been three years but he doesn't care, he wants closure, maybe he wanted to propose before Tadashi left. 

'Does that matter anymore?' He thinks. 

'No. It doesn't.' 

'Then why do you hold on?' 

'I don't know.' 

'Pathetic.' 

"Shut up." he mumbles, trying to stop his brain from torturing him any further.

"I love him. Now shut up." he adds, rubbing his eyes. 

'But does he love you?' 

He squeezes his eyes shut in an asinine attempt to make his mind shut up. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐'𝘮 𝘱𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘢 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱.

Kei sniffs again, smiling at the photo on his bedside table. Does he want to move on? Does he want to forget how Tadashi's lips felt on his? 

No. Right? 

Right? 

Three years of feeling empty and lost and sad. He wanted everything back, Tadashi, himself, his happiness. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. 

He feels himself turn towards the door of his room, to get his phone and call Tadashi. His hands ball into fists and he crosses his arms. He sighs, trying not to think about how Tadashi would usually rush in and hug him during the times he'd get like this. How he'd whisper in his ear until he calmed down. And then he'd kiss his forehead and get him some water. 

𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧? '𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐'𝘮 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵. 

Kei walks over to Tadashi's closet and slams it open, tears trickling down his face. There's hardly anything left in there, except a few pairs of pants and some sweaters that Kei had in his laundry hamper. He kept them in there just in case he came back. 

He slides a sweater off a hanger and brings it to his face. He sniffs it softly and blush floods his face. He smells exactly like Tadashi snuggling into his chest while they sleep. He folds it up and sets it on Tadashi's pillow. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧? 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧?

Kei looks back to the sweater on his bed and turns, walking out of his room. The door shuts behind him as he looks around his eerily empty living room. He shakes his head and wipes tears from his face and neck. He decided he wants some tea, maybe to calm down his nerves, maybe because he still buys Tadashi's favorite type of tea. 

He makes the tea and sits down on his couch, grasping the warm cup tightly in his hands. He sips it, the warm beverage heating up his throat. It's a somewhat of a comforter, feeling something warm is hard to come by for Kei. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘐 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶. '𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. 

He sets down the tea, and looks at a photo placed on the coffee table. It's once again a photo of Tadashi and him, instead it's from elementary school, when they won their first club game. Tadashi is hugged onto Kei's side for dear life, Kei has lifted Tadashi up, off his feet. They both have a look of pure joy on their face. 

Kei can move on and still love him. 

Right? 

Kei brings his knees to his chest and takes off his glasses so he can bury his head into his knees. This time tears don't spring forth from his eyes. He just sits there, in his deadly silent apartment, hoping that one day he'd be okay. 

He sits there for an indescribable amount of time, thinking about why it's been 3 years since Tadashi left and he still can't move on. Until a knock at his door breaks him away from his mile a minute thoughts. 

He slides his glasses on, suddenly hyper aware of his red eyes and swollen under eyes. He shakes it off and unlocks his door. 

Standing there is the man who takes up every moment of his life. 

"Tadashi?" He asks in a very quieted whisper. 

Kei collapses back, landing on his ass with a loud bang. Now his face is suddenly soaked with tears, his throat closes as he chokes out sobs. Just like he used to, Tadashi launches himself into Kei's arm. He hugs him close, tight and unforgiving, straddling him to make sure he has a right hold. 

"I'm sorry." Tadashi wails, burying his face in Kei's chest. "I thought you moved on so I never came back. I was so stupid. I'm so sorry." 

"Why didn't you answer my calls?" 

Tadashi wipes away his tears as he sits up. "It sounds stupid but my phone got lost." he laughs pathetically, sniffing. "It was easier to just get a new number and phone."

"What about my letters?"

"I never got to open them. My ex stole my mail." 

Kei wonders if he could believe him. Was he happy with his ex? Is he telling the truth? 

"Were you happy?" 

"God no Kei. I thought it was for the best if we separated and then I tried to move on and I dated this dumb guy and he was a dick." he looks at Kei, eyes genuinely sad and empty. "All I was doing was missing you." 

"It's been three years Tadashi. You can't just come back like you didn't leave me. You knew where I lived. But you stayed away. I've been in the same exact apartment for three years, sad about losing you." 

Tadashi stares at him, mouth agape. "I know, I was awful, I'm sorry. Nothing can make up for those years I was gone, nothing. I need you to know that I loved you, I still love you and I'll forever love you." 

"I-I love you too." Kei mumbles, hugging Tadashi back. "But" he sniffs, residual tears trailing down his cheeks, "You were gone for three years and that doesn't just go away. I can't just forgive you for giving up on us."

Tadashi nods "Okay."


End file.
